Can't have him back

I brim with tears after reminiscing all memories. God always give you the best but you never know how to prize it. I miss my late father, the only hero in family is now gone. I never get him back. He's no longer here. All i can do is pray. Dear dad, I will follow you one day. I want hug you tightly and hold your hand firmly. I will love you more than I love myself. I am awfully sorry for being stubborn daughter when you were around. I still remember that day when I pee-peed in my pant after you mad and scolded at me. I was scared that moment. Word hurts you know. It still lingering on my mind when you entered the boudoir and gave us (me and sissy) hugs and peck on our forehead. I know you kinda hot-tempered dad, but deep inside you were such amazing dad. I am truly sorry for misjudging you. I am sorry and we'll meet soon. I love you dad.

tell me.

I must say that October treats me badly. Everything happens with no apparent reason. It's hard to get through this month without someone around you, to hear you, to say "you can do it" and to lend you a shoulder. No one's doing so, and yes because I don't ask for it. All i need right now is fucking long holiday and I've been waiting for that moment in ages. Dear November 4, i can't wait any longer. My life is so miserable and...can i be excused for the rest of my life?

Pain in my ass.

I took so many meds lately. I'm tired of being sick all the time. I had fever for third times in a month and now fucking swollen ankle. What is wrong with you? Never know how to take care of yourself. Painkiller and injection in my butt won't heal anything. Crying alone in the middle of night till morning because you just can't stand the pain. You look at your phone and about to call your mom but it is hopeless. I won't disturb her sleep tho. Cry and cry till you fall asleep for almost an hour. But the pain's back. And now i realize, I'm all alone. 

p/s: Thank you D for sending me to clinic.

oh la la--

 "Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one"-Jane Howard

Hook me up with November.

love.

Pictures scattered around the floor.
I was looking at those memories.
If today is my last day,
Let me tell you one bric-a-brac thing, I suppose.
There's nothing more than friendship we're in.
Love.